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Pullquote: ‘There was this one particular woodlouse, I’m sure she felt the same’

Barking mad

Christine Riley discovers that we can marry our pets!

Pet WeddingsSo you’ve found your partner for life, only thing is - he’s an animal. Not just that he leaves hair in the bath and has abominable table manners, but that, really, he’s an animal, with feathers, scales or whatnot.

But forget his facial hair. So what if he has an overabundance of legs, or has to hibernate each winter? All that matters is that you adore him. So go on, if you really love him and you’re in this for life, isn’t it time you married your pet?

If you wish to marry your pet, you can go to MarryYourPet.com and read these rules:

* This union is a marriage of minds and companionship. You have no conjugal rights.

* If you want to consummate the marriage, we suggest you both share some cake. If your pet has a food allergy then a pat on the head will suffice.

* You cannot make him pick up your pants, put up with your nostril hair or use him as a general dogsbody, even if he is, indeed, a dog.

*Just because you have a friend-for-life doesn’t mean you can just let yourself go. You may not go around in a dirty vest, scratching your nether regions.

* You may not wear unfashionable clothes or tell bad jokes. You may not embarrass your pet at any time.

* If you don’t play with your pet regularly, tolerate his nagging and allocate him equal TV time, you could be in infringement of your contract.

*. MarryYourPet can change the rules at any time, especially if this gets us out of tricky situations.

* If you’re having a really rough patch then see a Marriage Guidance Counselor. If you still can’t get it together then may we suggest either a shrink or divorceyourpet.com.

* You cannot marry your pet just to get at his money. Your dog’s money will remain his own even after marriage (unless of course he wants to leave it to us - call for payment details). This does not work in reverse, however. With or without a marriage contract, once you’ve been living together for three years or more, your pet is entitled to half your house. (If he’s peed in more than half the house then just give it to him.)

* It is the norm for your pet to assume your surname after marriage. If either of you are not happy with this, that’s okay. You can call your pet whatever you like. If in doubt, we’re bound to have a few suggestions, but they probably won’t be polite.

* If you don’t play with your pet regularly, tolerate his nagging and allocate him equal TV time, you could be in infringement of your contract.

* MarryYourPet can change the rules at any time, especially if this gets us out of tricky situations.

Some comments:

# ‘I married a Blue Whale once. She was nice. We had some good times. But I decided to call it off. She was cheating on me with a giant squid. She totally denied it, but it’s kind of obvious when whenever we were cuddling a three-metre long tentacle shot by.’- Harold, Constantia.

# ‘I’ve always been a fan of gardening, and particularly enjoyed finding a crowd of woodlice under a rock or stump. The joy I experienced and fuzzy feeling in my heart was mistaken for a love of a hobby, but now I realise it was more. There was this one particular woodlouse, I’m sure she felt the same; I would often see her frolicking through the fibres of my carpet. This gave me an enormous feeling of satisfaction, knowing that she could be near me whenever she liked. But this mere feeling and moment of love wasn’t enough. I had to ask her to marry me.’ – Bernard, Claremont.

# ‘I have seven cats, would we get a discount on the Marriage License? Also, my pet rock, Lucius, is of a very jealous disposition. What do you suggest?’ – Angela, Scarborough.

Well, I know what I would suggest…



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